I get my head out of the water and gasp for air. I take a few deep breaths and close my eyes and say: “Lord, Help me”.

“....and because he suffered death for us, he is now “crowned with glory and honor.” Yes, by God’s grace, Jesus tasted death for everyone.” Hebrews 2:9 NLT

For there is no mention of You in death; who can praise You from Sheol? Psalms 6:5

"But he himself went a day’s journey into the wilderness, and came and sat down under a broom tree. And he prayed that he might die, and said, “It is enough! Now, Lord, take my life, for I am no better than my fathers!” 1 Kings 19:4

“After this Job opened his mouth and cursed the day of his birth.” ‭‭Job‬ ‭3:1‬ ‭NKJV‬‬

When do I start saying what I need to say? Here. In these words from this journal. In my writings. Typing my voice on a strip of blank space.

I had to return to work when she was three months old and only by the grace of God I was able to drop her off to daycare in the mornings and not get hit by a car and not get fired for being a zombie.

At that moment, I thought I heard the sound of a thundering crack across the universe. The world came to an abrupt earth shattering halt. I stood there, frozen, unable to move.

"That night I promised myself that I would do everything in my power so that this stumbling block, will not pass from generation to generation. The cycle has to end with me."