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Im coming out

Published on 2nd February 2019

Movies are a big part of me. If you get to know me, you will get to know about movies. Instead of connecting with people I would rather connect with characters in films. Characters in movies are real people but they are pretending to be someone else. I am an expert at pretending to be someone else. I can choose to live in a world that is of my own preference. I can choose to watch a happy ending and feel all the feels of a happy ending instead of my miserable reality. I’ve been like that as far as I can remember. My earliest recollection of looking at a television was the Disney cartoon of the tortoise and the hare created in 1934. I immediately identified with that tortoise. Underestimated and misunderstood but the ultimate underdog that still reached the finish line by persevering. At about 9 years old I memorized an entire script from a movie and it wasn’t because Im an actress. Movies have been an outlet for me for many years. Its the way that I get to experience my emotions by being connected to a character. Unfortunately I grew up in an environment where speaking on my feelings or emotions seemed to make me a helpless victim. What do you do when you’re a child and you can’t cry or express anger or dissatisfaction? You look up to tough fighters like Bruce Willis in Die Hard or Sylvester Stallone on Rocky. Or you hide behind the laughs with Arnold Schwarzenegger teaching kindergarteners in Kindergarten Cop. Those are movies I watched growing up and now as an adult I still self medicate by watching TV. I just want to feel good and create my own reality. A reality where I don’t have to face my disappointments or my unwanted circumstances. But where do I draw the line between me and the characters? When do I become me? Do I even know who I am? When do I start living my life instead of living the life of a fictional character? At what point do I start appreciating my flaws? At what point do I start looking into the mirror and liking what I see? When do I come alive? When do I start saying what I need to say? Here. In these words from this journal. In my writings. Typing my voice on a strip of blank space. I am beginning to tell others my story instead of dreaming to be someone else. Im a real person. I have a voice. I am not just a wife, or mother, an employee or a religion. I am not a perfect person that lives daily happy endings. I am a woman that make mistakes every day and I constantly struggle with self-doubt. I am a woman with my own hopes, goals and dreams. I am withdrawn, shy and easily unnoticed, yet I have a lot to say. I am what I am today and I am no longer waiting to be “perfect” or “better” before I share my story. I am broken and incomplete and that is what the reader is going to get. Its not always going to be pretty or inspirational, and not always helpful but its going to be real. Real is good enough and I am good enough.



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Ali

Posted on Feb. 2, 2019, 7:04 p.m.

Sis, thank you for your transparency!

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