I have children. This means that Im building a legacy. Im training a generation.
One day they will no longer be with me all the time. One day Im going to let them go into the world. My time to influence them is now. Im spending my days with them so they can watch me. They watch what I do, what I say, how I say it, etc. They are watching how we cook, how we clean, how we watch tv, how we go on our phones, how we treat our friends, how we work, how we worship, how we pray, how we live.
They are not only here to bring me joy or bring me stress. They are here to remind me that when I pass, there’s always going to be a piece of me left behind.
Our words can fade away but our actions will stay with them for good.
The future is with us, now.
I have been home from work for 2 days.
My little one had a tooth extracted and I had to wear the nurse hat even though I did not like it one bit. The amount of blood I saw reminded me of my heavy period days. Welp, blood was the only complaint I had. I really enjoyed being home cleaning, cooking and spending time with my little tornado. I remodeled my bedroom and got rid of some things I haven’t touched in months. I also got to slow down and spend some time with God. I realized the reason why I don’t like to pray is because it forces me to slow down. When you slow down you start to process. The true feelings come up to the surface. I got to really think about where Im at and where Im going. I got to accept that just because I feel stuck at my job it doesn’t mean that I am. God helped me understand that I’m a lot like Luisa from Encanto. Im strong. I’ve been strong from day one. Being the older sister. The protector. The supermom. The super wife. The super student. The employee of the year. The growing worship leader. But I’ve been too strong. So strong that I need to crack. I need to break. I need to let myself be vulnerable in God’s hands. As many times necessary. I need to be the right kind of strong.
Today was a good day.
Im thankful. I looked outside and it was just beautiful. The dormant trees right outside my window were covered in white fluffy snow. 2 years ago I couldn’t look out the window. I lived in a really tall building. When I looked outside people looked like tiny ants and trees looked like twigs. Everything looked so distant. Even hope looked distant. The window was my 20 second escape to take a breath and rest, even if it was just for 1 minute.
Living in my current apartment has brought me to a place of rest. A different season where I can breathe. A season where I can enjoy the simple things again. I don’t have everything I want but I can truly appreciate what I do have. Like looking at the beautiful trees right from my window.
When you serve God for a while you learn that there are different seasons. Some are hard and some are easier. If you’re going through one of those hard ones, hold on to this: It WILL be over. As long as your house is built on the rock, you will be alright (Luke 6:48).
It’s one of those days.
One of the days where I feel sad but I don’t know exactly why. One of the days where my feet move but I don’t know where Im going. When people talk to me but their words don’t get to where they’re supposed to. It sounds like mumbling and my mind wonders away while they talk.
Im in my head.
And while in there Im trying to find the words to talk to my Creator.
Im trying to find the words to describe the feeling of quiet desperation.
A silent scream.
A deep longing.
A strange place.
Even though it doesn’t feel good, I know good will come of it.
The living words in the bible are what give pain a meaningful purpose.
I think of all the broken hearts of some of the people in the bible.
David when he was lonely in a cave.
Lazarus in the darkness of the grave.
Hannah while she uttered the pain of longing for a child.
And so many others.
Crying while in the hand of God is like a woman in labor. A painful process that will bring forth
A deep rooted faith that won’t be moved.
I will keep taking steps towards Him, even when it’s hard.
“Those who plant in tears will harvest with shouts of joy.”
Psalms 126:5 NLT
Im not a poet but I wrote this:
I tried to not feel you
I tried to not see you
But still you make me hurt
I tried to stitch you in
I tried to mend you
I tried to hush you
But still you scream through my song
I tried to keep you quiet
I tried to sweep you under the rug
I tried so hard to make you disappear
Forgive me pain
I kept you trapped inside me
I kept the silent tears inside me
I did not want to let go of you
Afraid that my heart would break
But its time pain
You can’t be here anymore
Its time to come out
Into His glorious light
Im letting go
Im gonna let my heart break
Oh this pain
My heart it breaks
My heart it screams
My heart it hurts
But the pieces fall
into His Mighty right hand
You are free
You are no longer my prisoner
And I am free
Because I am no longer yours